NWR: A Truly Sorry State of Affairs

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NWR: A Truly Sorry State of Affairs - 3/25/2013 5:47:51 AM

mgriffith

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Weep for the next generation.

The nieces and nephew have taken to coming to ME for sage advice on life, love, viands and vino. Poor kids. If this is the best resource they have then they are truly doomed.

And the cases are becoming increasingly delicate to boot.

This weekend I received a call from the nephew (currently a newly minted US Marine Lance Corporal stationed at Camp LeJune, NC). He and his fiancée had just had another fight. Thought this crew would enjoy mulling over the case.

Seems that the fiancée, currently a freshman at the University of Georgia, plans on attending the upcoming prom with her long time friend (as a high school senior this is *his* prom). The nephew reacted poorly to this in a number of ways. Beyond the obvious flicker of jealously, he vented his negative opinion of proms in general and the situation in particular.

As you can appreciate, this was not well received by the fiancée.

Biting my tongue so as to not add any fuel to the fire I advised him thusly:

1. You are male. Therefore in the eyes of all women you are wrong on any and all subjects. Accept this universal truth.
2. You must apologize. Who is right and who is wrong is irrelevant at this point. Your being right (if in fact you are) is moot. See #1 above.
3. You cannot have a rational discussion and resolve anything while the argument and hurt feelings remain. And these will remain until there is an apology. See #2 above. You have to defuse the current situation before you have any hope of communicating again.
4. Whether this prom thing is 100% innocent, or he is not 'out' yet and is using her as a beard in order to go to the prom, or he is actually a horndog trying to score is not the issue either. The real issue is whether you trust her and she trusts you. If there is no trust then you need to end the engagement now. Immediately. Without trust there is no hope for a long and healthy marriage. If you can't trust her then she is not worth the time and effort. You can do better. The same holds true for her trusting you.
5. Don't let this fester overnight. Deal with it now. Putting it off only makes things worse.

I received another call an hour or so later. He informed me I was right. When I asked, "Right about what?" he replied, "Everything."

To top it all off I awoke the next morning to find a text from her reading, "I don't know what you said to him, but thank you."

It took me several minutes to get my laughter under control.

Post #: 1

RE: NWR: A Truly Sorry State of Affairs - 3/25/2013 5:58:27 AM

khmark7

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Some good advice given. Had you recently been reading Old Doug's memoirs in the Entire Bottle Consumed Alone thread?? I do think it's nice to see that the nephew reached out to you. He may not have confidence in his friends with regard to advice, and he may also appreciate your non-judgemental advice.

I remember being young and stupid. Stupid usually won out.

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RE: NWR: A Truly Sorry State of Affairs - 3/25/2013 6:44:01 AM

cookiefiend

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Malcom, how wonderful he trusts you so much to call you for advice.
And it's very good advice you've given. Especially the trusting part.

I will say though that #1 and #2 amused me to no end...

Sage words my friend!

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RE: NWR: A Truly Sorry State of Affairs - 3/25/2013 7:14:54 AM

musedir

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Malcom... Careful now or you will be asked to pen a column for dailies called "Dear Malcom" and then you will be exposed for the sentimental, caring bum you are.

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RE: NWR: A Truly Sorry State of Affairs - 3/25/2013 7:36:34 AM

ob2s

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quote:

freshman at the University of Georgia

eesh....I happen to know that what's it for you at 22 (much less 18-19) rarely is it for you at 32, but by 32 there are kidderlings that have become your surrogate lives and it becomes moot until the kidderlings are off and it rises from the dead.

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Post #: 5

RE: NWR: A Truly Sorry State of Affairs - 3/25/2013 7:46:32 AM

Wine_Strategies

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Well done, Malcolm. I think MindMuse should take back everything he told me about you

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RE: NWR: A Truly Sorry State of Affairs - 3/25/2013 7:48:34 AM

mgriffith

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wine_Strategies

Well done, Malcolm. I think MindMuse should take back everything he told me about you

Whatever he's said about me:

If it's bad, it's almost certainly true.

If it's good, he's a lying (*#*#*^.

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Post #: 7

RE: NWR: A Truly Sorry State of Affairs - 3/25/2013 7:57:00 AM

rlp805

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You must of been enjoying a nice burg to come up with such great advise, if you had been drinking a California wine you would have just told him to "chill dude"

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RE: NWR: A Truly Sorry State of Affairs - 3/25/2013 7:57:07 AM

Hollowine

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Good for you Malcolm.

Situationally it is amusing, but take it with a grain of seriousness as well. There were 1-2 non-immediate-family adults I looked to for advice at that age and to this day the brief conversations we had were some of the most influential and rewarding talks I can remember, and I still hold their advice and guidance in high esteem.

Outside of that, just explain to him that trying to figure out women is about as easy as writing Left-handed cursive in a bumper car...

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RE: NWR: A Truly Sorry State of Affairs - 3/25/2013 8:03:09 AM

mgriffith

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Hollowine

Good for you Malcolm.

Situationally it is amusing, but take it with a grain of seriousness as well. There were 1-2 non-immediate-family adults I looked to for advice at that age and to this day the brief conversations we had were some of the most influential and rewarding talks I can remember, and I still hold their advice and guidance in high esteem.

Outside of that, just explain to him that trying to figure out women is about as easy as writing Left-handed cursive in a bumper car...

You left out the part about 'upside down and backwards'.

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RE: NWR: A Truly Sorry State of Affairs - 3/25/2013 8:06:34 AM

kcbrian

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The Oracle of Atlanta. Only accepts wine.........no cash or credit.

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RE: NWR: A Truly Sorry State of Affairs - 3/25/2013 8:06:35 AM

Wine_Strategies

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mgriffith

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hollowine

Good for you Malcolm.

Situationally it is amusing, but take it with a grain of seriousness as well. There were 1-2 non-immediate-family adults I looked to for advice at that age and to this day the brief conversations we had were some of the most influential and rewarding talks I can remember, and I still hold their advice and guidance in high esteem.

Outside of that, just explain to him that trying to figure out women is about as easy as writing Left-handed cursive in a bumper car...

You left out the part about 'upside down and backwards'.

and hog-tied and blindfolded

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RE: NWR: A Truly Sorry State of Affairs - 3/25/2013 8:26:59 AM

fingers

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One of Canada's great societal contributions is the Possum Lodge Man Oath:

"I'm a man, but I can change.. If I have to.. I guess."

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RE: NWR: A Truly Sorry State of Affairs - 3/25/2013 10:24:11 AM

bretrooks

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Some real wisdom there, especially in #4 & #5.

Still, threads like this make me very grateful for my relationship with my wife, which disproves the universality of #1 and allows for plenty of apologies and grace on both sides. I don't know them or the situation, but I'd venture that if #1 or its inverse is (actually, not jokingly) true in that relationship, that's also a big red flag.

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RE: NWR: A Truly Sorry State of Affairs - 3/25/2013 11:05:16 AM

fcsmith

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You're a wise man!

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RE: NWR: A Truly Sorry State of Affairs - 3/25/2013 12:44:22 PM

RadoDejarmer

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If he is smart enough to ask advice from someone with more experience, rather than forge ahead alone or ask his peers, he is wise beyond his years and very likely a step ahead of many in his generation.

Great advice. #1 may not be universally true, it is a good starting point until you have been through a few dozen arguments.

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RE: NWR: A Truly Sorry State of Affairs - 3/25/2013 1:23:18 PM

hankj

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Hope this reply doesn't rub the wrong way. They are very young so really knowing that they are life-mates is extremely unlikely. Very young couples separated by distance for long periods shouldn't be faithful to one another - they should have an agreed upon criteria for extra-relationship activities with others. The limits are up to them but should be liberal enough to not require deceit. They can arrange whether to disclose things to each other or not but should abide their guidelines.

It's statistically very unlikely their relationship will survive at their age and circumstance. Controlled "cheating" at this point will actually make it more likely that they'll end up staying together in the long run, and also will help with the types of regrets and resentment that can arise from feeling stifled and cheated of oat sowing - women particularly leave marriages for this reason.

There is no one-size fits all advice but realistically (as opposed to romantically) outcomes are better with the above path.

Finally I'd tell him to listen to 10 episodes of Dan Savage's Podcast - skip the sex stuff if he wants but listen to the relationship advice. Mostly it's about empowering oneself to get the relationship one wants and that works w/o damaging other people in the process. Good stuff.

< Message edited by hankj -- 3/25/2013 1:25:47 PM >

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RE: NWR: A Truly Sorry State of Affairs - 3/25/2013 1:25:10 PM

mc2 wines

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mgriffith

Weep for the next generation.

The nieces and nephew have taken to coming to ME for sage advice on life, love, viands and vino. Poor kids. If this is the best resource they have then they are truly doomed.

I assure you there are many worse resources out there.... He's lucky to have you....

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RE: NWR: A Truly Sorry State of Affairs - 3/25/2013 2:02:05 PM

mgriffith

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Hankj,

Rub me the wrong way? Sounds like an offer to me...

I keed! I keed!

I have mentioned to other(s) that I am grateful that they have put off any wedding date until 2015 when she should be finishing up college. I will be surprised if they make it to then. Not a knock to either one - they are generally good kids - just the recognition that they are very young and have an awful lot of maturing to do. Each in different areas.

She is especially devout in her religious beliefs. I doubt there would be much 'experience' before marriage for her whether this relationship lasts or not. But on the whole I agree with you that one needs to experience life before settling down. Regrets are a serious bitch to live with. This is why I have encouraged him (within reason and never in a way that could affect his military career) to raise a little hell before settling down. I actively lobbied both to put off a formal engagement for a couple of years, but that advice fell on deaf ears.

So at this point I offer what little wisdom I can, when I can. a little at a time, never forcefully and never directly. A whisper here, a whisper there, hoping the seeds take root.

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RE: NWR: A Truly Sorry State of Affairs - 3/25/2013 4:39:37 PM

hankj

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mgriffith
So at this point I offer what little wisdom I can, when I can. a little at a time, never forcefully and never directly. A whisper here, a whisper there, hoping the seeds take root.

nicely said and definitely the way!

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RE: NWR: A Truly Sorry State of Affairs - 3/25/2013 6:21:26 PM

champagneinhand

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I would admonish you that this is the moment in your life where others have figured you are middle-aged and have a bit of wisdom. I remember the first time it happened to me, and I thought "Why are you asking me for life advice? Go ask my dad." Now that my dad is no longer with us, it happens all of the time. Another sign to me that the world is doomed...lol

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